Putdowns & Prognostications, CIS XC 2013 edition

KVWN Channel 4 News Team, London, ON

It seems like everybody and his brother, sister, and cantankerous masseuse have thrown a set of CIS predictions together these days - gone are the days when tnfnorth.proboards70.com and/or Napster were the only stops on a comprehensive tour of Canada’s callipygian intelligentsia and their thoughts and feelings.  In this type of environment, it can be hard to distinguish the wisdom from the wisecracking, the odds-making from the muckraking, the perplexing francophone blogging from the perpetually on-point speedgoggle-ing.  Luckily, the kids at P&P are back for another season.  Seeking to strike an elusive balance between Potterwatch and al-Jazeera, we’ll be delivering the goods on who will be delivering the goods come Nov. 9 in #London2013, who will fall flat, and who will remain dormant until reaching the Soundbar.  

 Without further ado, the men:

1. Gryphons

We could go on and on about this team, not unlike most of its members do with their degrees, but frankly, as is the case when we read the Kitely-McInnis CIS XC Report, we are quickly bored by the task. Front runners Ross Proudfoot (2nd at OUAs, 2nd in 2012), Aaron Hendrikx (1st at OUAs, 3rd in 2012), and Andrew Nixon (4th at OUAs, 4th in 2012) score lower than a kid playing Duck Hunt with a banana, and Nixon was injured most of the summer. Toss Ottawa Valley-boy Tristan Woodfine (3rd at OUAs) and Rwandan Valley-boy Yves Sikukwabo (18th at OUAs, 7th in 2012) into the mix, and this discussion becomes less relevant than JK Rowling's post-HP bibliography, or the recently-established Speed River West. Any one of the aforementioned could take the individual title, but our personal pick goes to hometown hero Aaron Hendrikx, who knows to “make hay when the sun shines” and will be eager to strike a rare double-gold in a week’s time.

2. Rouge et Or

The Laval boys have not failed to impress this season, despite their noted absence from Vic Matthews. Maybe this was because of some obnoxiously-named "Festivale de la musique Québecoise hô, hô, hô", but more likely than not their lead pack were too timid to tarnish their perfect record (vs Canadian teams) against an obviously superior foe. Don’t get me wrong, this team is undoubtedly strong but outside Chuck PT (1st at RSEQ, 14th in 2012), who has stayed healthy this year and is as good a bet as any to take the individual title, and perhaps Manny Greenwood (3rd at RSEQ, 8th in 2012), the team remains a cold 6-inch veggie to Guelph's mighty and toasty meatball foot-long. Other than these two, the team has so many lads with la’s in their name you’d swear it was a Christmas carol (Anthony Larouche (5th at RSEQ, 30th in 2012), JS Lapointe (8th at RSEQ, 49th in 2012), and Max Lapierre (9th at RSEQ, 16th in 2012)), and is peppered with off-season acquisitions Dany Racine (10th at RSEQ) and McGill transfer Ben "I'm French guys, honest" Raymond (2nd at RSEQ, 56nd in 2012). Guelph may be playing The Rains of Castamere again at this year’s CIS championships, but if DST doesn’t watch out he may find himself dealing with a Catelyn Stark of his own in the coming years.

3. Lancers

The loss of Matt Walters from this team is comparable to the loss of Steve Carell from The Office. The rest of the cast is passable, but remain tragically overshadowed by his character. To mitigate this, Nick “Schrute Farms” Falk (8th at OUAs, 12th in 2012) has not only taken to scoring much like Walters, but seems to be trying to mimic his appearance as well. Another big name (literally), Paul Janikowski (10th at OUAs, 10th in 2010), was especially hidden in Walters' shadow due to his short stature and is on the rebound from a recent injury and some sub-par outings this season. Looking to steal some off Jani's thunder, or even worse more vowels from his name, are an abundance of Lance excell-ance by the names of Dave Meloche (22nd at OUAs, 25th in 2012), Josh Bolton (24th in 2011, 39th in 2012), Corey Bellemore (17th at OUAs), and Michael Pesce (20th at OUAs). Continuing with the The Office metaphor, we think this team will have a couple more seasons with strong viewership, er.. results, before fading into obscurity.

4. Marauders

We like an underdog, especially when that underdog does a lot of triathlons. All (not most, all) of the  Marauder scorers are triathletes, and damn good ones at that. After their stunning showing at the OUA championships, this is our pick as the most likely of the Ontario teams to snake onto the podium. In the summer, Connor "Hello my" Darlington (13th at OUAs, 34th in 2012) won Canada Summer Games 5k and Lionel "The Colonel" Sanders (14th at OUAs, 11th in 2012) put his chicken on the back-burner to run a few half-Ironmans and make a real push for AC honours; we just hope these summer accomplishments haven't left them Kentucky-fried. Taylor Reid (7th at OUAs, 35th last year), Blair "Captain" Morgan (6th at OUAs, 46th last year), and the fast Forbes twin (16th at OUAs, 57th last year) make up a an elite five that wear their pride on their shoulders, their balls out of their shorts, and their hearts on their sleeves. If these boys don’t pan out, a relatively weak 6-7 will sink them faster than a rec swimmer’s first go with a training band. No pressure.

5. Gaels

Although coach Boyd alleges to be a fan of the west coast IPAs, the same cannot be said for his runners: these guys hail almost exclusively from eastern Ontario. What else is Oldster trying to hide? The answer: How good this team really is. The squad is led fittingly by the ALC trio of Jeffr’y Arch’r (5th at OUAs, 19th in 2012), David Cashin (11th at OUAs, 44th in 2012), and Tyson “Light The Candle” Loney (15th at OUAs, 51st in 2012), who undoubtedly have permanent midge indentations from a hard summer's training in Kingston. The Gaels’ last two scorers, Nick "Mountain Man" McGraw (22nd at OUAs, 33rd in 2012) and Alex Wilkie (51st at OUAs), could not be more dissimilar: one is a senior-citizen with nothing to lose, the other is fresh from the cradle with something to prove. Rounding off the team are Evan “Mr. November” Andrin (34th in 2010, 29th at OUAs) and Alan Kal6flei$ch (36th at OUAs) that will jump all over any sign of weakness from the guys in maroon.

6. Vikes

These guys are difficult to gauge, due to the fact they are spotted less frequently in the area than Bigfoot. The only thing we've really seen out of this group was their pre-season promo vid, and although we may become a Public Enemy around the Cadboro Bay area for saying this, Flavor Flav put it best when he said we “don’t believe the hype”. Ryan "Don't call me Quenton" Cassidy (10th in 2012) is a shoo-in for AC honours, although we are hesitant to put him in the hunt for gold no matter what he says to the contrary. Question marks Dylan Haight (9th in 2012) and Olivier Collin (1st at Jr. Nats. 2008) have shown that they are still quite capable of putting one foot in front of the other despite not being as good at it as they used to be, but there is a real concern of them falling apart quicker than a Jenga tower and a brittle croissant, respectively. On the topic of pastries, Matt Hulse (13th in 2010) remains a no-show and has probably spent the season round as an English muffin, but to keep their boats afloat are a legion of depth guys (consisting of Josh Clouthier (29th in 2011), Kyle Irvine (77th in 2010), Patrick Psotka, and Cody Therrien) coach Fougner has deployed like Republic stormtroopers all season, with about equal efficacy. If the race was out west, these guys would be a good bet for bronze. As it is, they'll be battling for it like biddies for the Soundbar bathrooms.

7. TWU Mighty Ducks

Quack! Quack! Quack! That’s right, we at P&P are believers in coach Bomba(y) and his lovable crew of misfits. Declan White (34th Nats XC 2012) is rounding into one of the strongest rookies in the league, although it’s unlikely that he will be able to triple deke the ROY title away from Woodfine. With a true Banksy in Levi Neufeld (DNF last year), a Mendoza with no signs of stopping in Joel DeSchiffart (45th last year), and bash bros Voth (86th last year), Johnston (13th last year), and Prajea (97th last year), these boys are not only flying together, but flying under everyone’s radar. 
8. Blues

At OUAs, the lads from Toronto packed em’ in closer than a drawing of zinc in Zain Ahmed’s (32nd at OUAs) crystallography homework. The muddy, rainy conditions forestalled any photographic evidence that  Alex “Dunno” Denault (25th at OUAs), Sacha (alexande) Smart (27th at OUAs) and Jake “Jacques Plante” Woloshyn (28th at OUAs) did in fact hold hands as they crossed the finish line, but we at P&P feel that they at least stared longingly into each others’ eyes in the finishing chute.  Expect this lil’ ozone molecule to divide come CIS, both on the course and at the Soundbar, and Coach Ross The Boss to have peaked these fellers more savvily than a caramelized tip atop the pumpkin pies they’ve probably been eschewing all season to hit racing weight.  Zain Ahmed is riding a streak of 10 consecutive OFSSA titles, but damn if he doesn’t look tired.  Don’t be surprised if these white-collar dudes challenge the francophones for best afterparty appearance. Keep it classy gentlemen.

First-team: Hendrikx, Proudfoot, CPT, Woodfine, Kuto, Cassidy, Archer

Second-team: Nixon, Sikubwabo, Sanders, Boisvert, Raymond, Falk, Janikowski

Top 20: Collin, Morgan, Darlington, Reid, Gravel, Cashin

And, even though they’re slow, the women:

1. Gryphons

One thing that’s always stuck in my craw is the lack of character depth that that J.K. Rowling puts into Hippogriff characters.  Apart from the one Hagrid keeps as a pet, the rest are all pretty one-dimensional.  In the case of the lady Gryphs, team homogeneity is a pretty big asset - this year Carise Thompson (3rd at OUs, 2nd last year), Gen Lalonde (7th at OUs, 4th last year), Madeline Yungblut (4th at OUs, 6th last year), Heather Petrick (5th at OUs) , Katrina Allison (6th at OUs), and Robyn Mildren (9th at OUs) all finished within sight of one another at OUAs.  The skill set it takes to win CIS and solve supernatural mysteries are pretty similar, and a close-knit, fast-moving team like this wouldn’t look out of place inside the Mystery Machine.  Likewise, much like a combined team of the Ghostbusters, Veronica Mars, and the guys from Fringe would have trouble besting Shaggy and his crew, the rest of the CIS combined probably couldn’t field a team with as much Tom Cruise-calibre jets as this one.  Expect Joanna Brown (14th at OUs, 8th last year) to rebound from a tough go in that race; she’s a triathlete and is probably a tougher cookie than last year’s Italian biscotti.  This is the Wu-Tang Clan of XC, and don’t expect the death of ODB anytime soon.

2. Mustangs

The way the Western-Calgary (not Western Calgary FYI) Mustangs poach chicks off other schools they might want to consider changing their school mascot to Ralph E. Wolf from Looney Tunes. Seriously, this team is basically last year’s bronze medal-winning team plus the top two runners from 5th place Calgary, so it would be hard to imagine them not ending Vigars’ final season on a high note. Amanda Truelove (8th at OUs, 11th last year) is no longer running with more tape around her legs than a peewee hockey player, and the spread between their 2-4 runners at OUAs, Becky Pieterson (16th at OUs, 27th last year), Katie Bell (17th at OUs), and Grace Kary (20th last year, 18th at OUs) was tighter than Speculoos cookie butter from Trader Joe’s, or the filling from Fig Newtons if it were to be sold as an individual item. The rest of the team (Melissa Caruso (23rd at OUs, 29th last year), Bridget Pyke (35th at OUs, 41st last year), and Julie Hambl-twin (42nd at OUs, 31st last year)) will be aiming to displace the group of Gaels on their haels and lock up this placing.

3. Gaels

The top Gaels, or “Golden Gaels” if you will, Julie-”Assass”-Anne Staelhi (2nd at OUs, 14th in last year’s CIS race) and Victoria Coates (1st at OUs, 3rd in 2012), rank up among my favourite duos of all time, right along with hip-hop tandem OutKast, Batman & Robin from their original live action series, Kashi cinnamon crumble cereal with soy milk (except when I add raspberries, then it’s three things), and of course C + H ( <3 ). In their case however, it is unclear who will be the McCartney to whose Lennon, the Watson to whose Holmes, the left Twix to whose right one. We give it to Coates, simply because she has more experience and more on the line in her last year of eligibility. The rest of the team has no standouts, but is a solid group o’ gals (Marie Soehl (36th at OUAs, 61st last year), Veronica Allan (33rd at OUAs, 77th last year), Colleen Wilson (20th at OUAs), and Charlotte Dunlap) who will need to do better than they did last week in order to not make me look bad. The team succeeded in executing Boyd’s strategy of flying in under the radar with their OUA showing, perhaps a little too well, they’ve always been over-achievers, but if we at P&P are even half as excited about this team as he is, then Vigars and his ponies will be in for quite a surprise in one week’s time.

4. Blues

Much like their male counterparts, the Lady Blues seem to have mastered the fine art of all running pretty close to the same speed.  Mary-Kate (11th) and Ashley (26th) Hennessy bracketed this squad at OUAs, with Charlotte Marcotte-Toale (12th), Honor Walmsley (19th) and rookie Claire “500 Days Of” Summer (21st) acting as the icing for this double-stacked Oreo of swift Torontonian XC goodness.  There isn’t an overly precarious drop to depth types Madeleine Kelly (34th) and Donna Vakalis (37th), so this is a relatively bonk-proof roster that could thrive on an attrition sort of day, and could even accommodate one of their low-sticks pulling over for a couple rounds of mini-putt or an autograph.  Compared to X-factor teams from the left and right coasts, this is money about as safe as Scrooge McDuck’s RRSP.

5. Tigers

The Dalhousie women stormed onto the scene like a Maritime winter at the RSEQ-AUS Interlock meet, before which they were given about as much thought as I gave this analogy. In our defense, only Ellen Chappell (2nd at AUS, 34th last year) and Emily Clarke (10th at AUS, 56th last year) are current scorers returning from last year. Newcomers / spell-check’s worst nightmares Natalie Sachrajda (3rd at AUS) and Anna Von Maltzahn (5th at AUS), plus Britney MacArthur (7th at AUS), helped Dal dismantle its admittedly weak comp at the AUS champs, but since their 5th scorer was 56th last year, don’t be surprised if this jag-grad iceberg rocks Victoria’s boat.

6. Spartans

The ladies from TWU look strong on paper, but we at P&P pride ourselves on not being too holier-than-thou to making tough diagnoses, and this team is more about the 1-2 than Leslie Feist with strep.  The Salt N’ Pepa of the Sparts are Alison Jackson (22nd last year) and Sarah Inglis.  But seriously, there’s three members of Salt N’ Pepa, and unless Regan Yee or Fiona Benson steps up, the Spartistas could drop out of contention faster than the adopted child of a post-MMBop Hanson and Soulja Boy.  That being said, nothing tugs our heartstrings like heavy hitters from the glory days of black-and-orange TnFNorth, so we’re rooting for Bomba’s ladies to make good on our 6th-spot verdict and hold their own on the d-floor.

7. Vikes

We know very little about womens’ running, and even less about the teams from Victoria. They took up the majority of their early season promo video however, so we rated them higher than the guys’ squad. It’s a bold strategy Cotton, let’s hope it pays off. Team is led by Shauna McInnis we think, but it looks like most of their scorers from last year (Madeleine McDonald (50th), Jenna Van Vliet (23rd),  Rachel Francois (37th), and Alison Hooper (53rd)) are back so who knows.  The west coast has a “climatic advantage” for XC training that’s been noted by many distance-running luminaries, but there’s been comparatively little peer-reviewed research when it comes to the possible advantage the relatively sunny winters bestow on this team’s ability to get weird at CIS afterparty events.  Our hunch at P&P is that, in this department, they’ve got at least a little bit of Ripley’s Believe-it-or-Not potential. 

8. Marauders

After years of trying to beat the Gryphons, and years of emasculating their male counterparts, asking them to fetch sandwiches at team luncheons while Carson, Coates, and Pearo quoted their favourite lines from Bridesmaids, the women have not only fallen from the podium but almost right out of the rankings. Coach Schnurricane, face-to-face with the facts, decided on a drastic change of strategy: If you can’t beat the Gryphs on the field, might as well bury them at the bar. Oh yeah, and the team runs pretty decent as well. Maddy “Easy Bake Oven” McDonald (13th last year) had a rough race in the mud (25th at OUs), but will be back near the top at CIs. Courtney “Don’t call me Zooey” Patterson (25th last year, 24th at OUs) is a big bad wolf this year, the conjoined twins Kiersten Myers (31st at OUs) and Emily Nowak (32nd at OUs) have only gotten better throughout the season, and Megan Beverley (51st at OUs) is back from sabbatical and on a path to her former high school glory years. Call them the new waterboys of McMaster, but it’s rarely ever water in their cups.

First-team: Staehli, Coates, Lalonde, Yungblut, Thompson, Petrick, Allison

Second-team: Mildren, Brown, Inglis, Truelove, McDonald, McInnis, Chappell

Top 20: Hardy, Hennessy, Marcotte-Toale, Jackson, Pieterson, Marton

Men's Mid-Season Musings: 2012

1.     Guelph – Once again, they stand head-and-shoulders above the throng of the CIS. But their mightier-than-thou mindset may be their undoing in the only race that will actually a challenge for them: the race with past year’s teams. Does the current team match up against the one from 2010, where they almost scored a perfect 15 at OUAs, and the one from 2011, where every scorer was first team AC? Mid-distance dynamo and lactose-intolerant Tommy Lecours seems to be doing well keeping up with the big 3 (Nixon, Proudfoot, and Hendrikx) so if Sikubwabo can pull it together, these guys have a legitimate opportunity to do so.

2.  Victoria – Historically, these guys have done well at the dance racing as little as possible (makes us wonder why more Ontario teams don’t try it) and this year should be no different. Callipygian superman Dylan Haight and fictional-character-come-to-life Ryan Cassidy lead their squad of fellow Norsemen (Oxland, Clouthier, Therrien and spellcheck’s worst nightmare Pstotka) that should, on paper, do well at the party. Hulse’s guilt complex seems to be keeping him from competition as he or his cheek bones have yet to be seen this year.  Also, we’ve heard rumours Olivier Collin is floating around the City of Newly Weds and Nearly Deads, scoring dates with sun-kissed surfer chicks and helping little old ladies across the street, so it’s no wonder he appears not to be competing this year.

3.  Queen’s – Between Archer, Patterson, McGraw, Cashin, Loney, and Costen, they should be able to put 5 into the top 30, which has historically been good enough for a medal. Of note, All-Canadian and Oreo cookie connoisseur Jeff Archer hopes to build off a breakout season he had during last year’s championship races. Whether or not they have a treasure trove of the running equivalent to Oompa-Loompas, that would virtually guarantee them a medal, remains to be seen. If this were any other team, we might drop them to 4^th or 5^th. Being Queen’s, we’re comfortable leaving them in the medals, at least for now.

4. Windsor – Despite having lost 3 of their 5 scorers, this team continues to roll. First-team AC and facial hair purveyor Matt Walters is riding the momentum of a strong track campaign, yet the health of Janikowski (sat out last week due to injury) remains in question. The rookies Master and Cooper are not as garbage as we initially thought them to be and vets Kegel, Meloche, and Falk seem to be able to deal with the added weight on their shoulders, despite the strong possibility of lack of weight training.

5. McMaster – Seem to be falling out of favour in the race for 2^nd, despite not having fledged a full team yet. Being chalk full of triathletes, we feel we have to give credit where credit is due. Sanders, Darlington, and Walsh have had strong showings already this year, and guys like Reid, Bowes, and Bierema are looming off in the distance, ready to pounce all over the rest of the CIS. The winner of this year’s race for second will be decided more by quantity than quality, and these guys have more talent than the Walking Dead had zombies in last season’s finale. Don’t let us down…

6. Laval – If these guys had as many good CIS races as they had number of names, they would be medal favourites for sure. Unfortunately, the team of JS Lapointe, Chuck PT, Boisvert, Labranche, and JSFD are in tough again this year. Losing head-to-head against Windsor at Western with almost a full squad doesn’t bode well for these guys. Neither does moving up 20 points in the second half of that race; we blame the cultural barrier and believe their pacing may be off due to the difference between the Quebec meaning and the Ontario meaning of what constitutes a kilometre. A strong possibility remains these guys run out of gas come November due to recent years’ flops at national championships this year’s strength of the RSSQ as a whole (most of them probably consider the RSSQ to be the national championship anyways). Still, if their maple syrup rations hold, they might yet surprise us.

7. Regina – Apparently we neglected to mention this team had Wyatt Baiton in the last issue. Sorry Wyatt, but we don’t apologize for the mistakes we make here at P&P. Furthermore, it’s more of a blessing to go unmentioned on these things. Did you not just read the smack-down we gave Laval? Anyways, 4 deep is good enough secure this spot, and if game-changers Fyfe and Johnson run well they could even scrape into the top 5. No pressure boys.

8. Toronto – No standouts, but a solid team through and through. Plus, they’re probably the nicest group of guys you’d ever meet. I’d be totally cool with any one of them dating my sister, if I had one. So yeah, 8^th.

First Team AC: Wiebe, Nixon, Proudfoot, Walters, Hendrikx, Haight, Sanders

Second Team AC: Lecours, Sikubwabo, Archer, Loney, Janikowski, Darlington, Cassidy

2012 Pre-Season Slams: Women

No introduction could possibly prepare for these preds.

1. Guelph
In many ways the CIS XC season on the women's side reminds the P&P staff of Saturday morning cartoons - the plot lines will get stretched out over two months and everyone will get up to lots of hijinks, but at the end of the day nobody really expects Phineas & Ferb not to come out on top. The lady Gryphs have graduated Furtado and Brown, but we still expect the 2012 edition to play out much like years past. The Guelphites pick up blue-chip recruits like other schools pick up polypropylene longsleeves - cases in point Maddy Yungblut and Katrina Allison have reportedly ventured into sub-10:00 Andre 3000 territory. 

2. Victoria
Much like the men's rankings, if anyone will play Squidward to Guelph's Spongebob, it will be the ladies from Le Ouest. Newcomers to the Bikini Bottom scene include Calgary transfer Maddy MacDonald (6th at CIS 2010) and Jenna van Vliete (30th at CIS 2010). Rookie Emma Bibault should be a regular contributor to Victoria Performs Well as a Team magazine and our intelligence informs us that Riley McQueen ovalled the oval pretty quickly once or twice this summer. Holes in the Vikes' Swiss include Laura Mitic and Alicia Roske, 3rd and 6th on last year's depth chart. Frankly, we're not sure if they'll have the tools to seriously challenge for the title, but nobody thought dogs could play basketball before Air Bud either. We'll root for these underdogs. 

3. McMaster
The Mac girls will be a changed team this year. With Anderson, Haliburton, and Giovannetti packing up their copies of Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go", at first glance they look like an indie rock collective with no harpsichord player. But with former CIS champ Lindsay Carson healthy and running well, first and second AC ladies Victoria “Mud in your eye” Coates, and Jill Wyman, the Mac girls will be just fine. OFSAA and Jr. National 3000m champion Madeline McDonald will be snooping around in search of ROY honours. Fighting for the top seven spots on this talented team will be distance star and team captain Stephanie MacNeill, Zooey Deschanel wannabe Courtney Patterson, Chelsea Mackinnon, and rookie Tiffany Cheung. They'll be in the hunt for any flavour of medal.

4. Western
Boasting home court advantage (No, literally. They probably will be boasting about it.) and returning MOST of their top 7 from last year, except for last year's top scorer Jen Bays. Duke transfer Amanda Truelove and Becky (nom nom mileage) Pieterson will have to step up their game in order for the girl-stangs to challenge for both a podium spot or an afterparty title. But like their male counterparts, they'll have to perfect the perfect lemon-meringue-pie double peak. Regardless, safe money says there'll be some High Violet at the Nationals. 

5. McGill
If you're a social media-savvy sports fan in Montreal, the local hockey club asks you to "#raisethetorch" to scare up hype for the bleu blanc et rouge (French words: are we doing them right?). At P&P XC is the name of the game and we encourage #washyourshorts instead. The Martlets will likely be washing off a mixture of blood, sweat, tears, curd and gravy as they hunt for an RSEQ title and a top-5 national (international?) finish. They lose their top finisher Charlene Puel, and 6th gal Catherine Drouin-Audet, but return everyone else like a stack of untouched ANTH 101 textbooks, and with Caroline "Pfister the Shifter" Pfister in the mix, this team looks another year plus forte. If Western or Mac falters, the 'Lets will be picking up the pieces faster than the average Dyson product. 

6. Saskatchewan
Ever since we watched Balto we've had a soft spot for the Huskies, and with their big three gone (Souter, Warkentin, Richards) this team will need an equally heroic story to avoid tumbling down the standings. Leia Fedyk and Rachael Edwards are the Husk-varna engines that will be driving these girls along the Iditarod Trail, and they'll need some young pups to set down their chew toys and take on some real responsibility. Last year they were narrowly nipped for the bronze medal spot, but we don't see them Phelps-ing again this year. In fact, they only reason we've got them pegged as high as 6th is because we wrote these in order and couldn't wait to make some dog jokes. Remember Clifford? That guy was way bigger than a regular dog.

7. StFx 
The AUS conference (bonspiel? informal gathering of like-minded lobster farmers?) is easy to forget, but at P&P we make it our business to fish up obscure teams and make unfounded claims about how they'll perform. St. FX seems to be the class of the East Coast, but come CIS will probably still be further under the radar than a rough draft of a review for an independent screenplay set to open in 2016. It looks like top gun Kelly MacDonald has flown the coop, as have #3 Rebecca Reeves and #6 Tory Anderson. We've slotted them in 7th so as not to hurt their feelings, but without big years from rookies Sadie "Maverick" Petrie and Kendra "Goose" MacNeil this team won't beat Laval. Kannenberg and Hardy will be the other trees holding up the St. FX tree fort. We don't like to restrict our predictions to race results, so here's another one: it seems like only a matter of time before they'll develop an Eiffel 65-based cheer.

8. Laval
It's common knowledge (seriously, there's a Wikipedia article about it) that the Laval men's team is more star-studded than Albus Dumbledore's pillowcase. But what about the women? Frankly, we don't have a clue. A track-centric team should be able to shake and bake on a 5k XC course. The good folks at montrealendurance.com are our go-to source for in-depth analysis of all things francophone, and they've pegged Laval as the #2 fiddler on the RSEQ roof, with Cote, Brochu and Plante-Dube being the major players. But at P&P we don't believe knowing anything about anything is a prerequisite for making the right call, so we're confidently claiming they'll grab #8 with less difficulty than Mark Recchi. 

9. Calgary
After exhaustively reading reviews of Calgary restaurants on Yelp! and looking at pictures of dinosaurs, we've deduced that Calgary should be in good shape to pull off the unprecedented "Gretzky" - a second straight 9th place finish. Sure, you may say, they've graduated Stenning, whose 24th-place finish earned her first-team All-the-Canadians-in-the-Box honours, and Altomare (56th last year) but the Dinos should return Grace "Kary the Team On My Back" Kary (15th in 2011). The team will need their supporting cast (Pike? L'Heureux?) to fill in the gaps if they're going to Connect Five. 

10. Queens
With rumours of cheerleaders on the team, we think that Boyd may have gone off the deep end this year, but at the same time, it’s so crazy it just might work. They lose their number 2, Kallos, and 5, 6, 7 (Prufer, Wilson, Roth). Stephanie Hulse is sure to put up some big races, alongside teammate Veronica Allan, not to mention rookie and OFSAA steeple champ Julie-Anne Staelhi. They’ve even got former Marauder Sara Giovanetti in the mix, which makes this look like a team that has the potential to move their way up the rankings. Not one to withhold trenchant analysis, the head coach had this to say: "The girls' team? Yeah, they're pretty fast too. It's actually disconcerting. I won't expect them back from a workout for another few minutes, and then they'll show up and I'll just be sitting in the car eating a slice of pumpernickel bread."

Edition 2012: The Pre-Season Installment (Men's)

Too few times during the year does anticipation rise as high as it does at the dawn of the Canadian Interuniversity cross country season. It’s much in a sense a runners’ Christmas, or non-denominational winter holiday for our non-Christian and avid-Seinfeld-watching readers. Except instead of charmingly cute kids charging down the stairs to find what was left under the Christmas tree / Hanukkah menorah / Festivus pole, XC most prominently features a bunch of underdressed, underdeveloped man-children running around a bit before puking their guts all over the place. It's just one of those exceptionally unique things.

The 2012 edition of Men’s Putdowns & Prognostications holds true to the title – we put down, and we prognosticate. We don’t say we know everything (not in public anyway), but you can be damn sure we’re going to pretend like we do. After all, science proved that last year’s P&P was not only the most accurate of all CIS pollsters (citation not needed), but it was also 60% more entertaining. And you can't refute the science.

And now, without further ado, I bring you the first of several installments for this year’s edition:

1. Guelph – The leader of the pack, bar none. Rumour has it the only reason Guelph didn’t sweep top 7 last year is coach Scott-Thomas, wanting to see how much he could get away with, made the team guzzle two liters of milk brought straight in from the family farm. Unfortunately for him, Lecours and Hinton are strictly lactose-intolerant. “I knew I should’ve been more on those guys’ cases about filling out their medical examination forms. Needless to say, they paid their dues post-race.” What sort of handicap DST will impose this year is anyone’s guess. “I’m considering doing something involving a piggyback, with actual pigs. I like the cut of Old Major’s jib, and he’s had some excellent results lately.” Probable ROTY Yves Sikubwabo joins past winners Andrew Nixon, Ross Proudfoot, and Aaron Hendrikx, and DST is particularily pleased about snagging B.C. boy Christian Gravel, who alongside Jeff Stone, make up two members of the legendary rock variant surname trio remniscent of the legendary birds from Pokemon. “Gotta catch ‘em all. And by them all, I mean all of the country’s top recruits.”

2. Queen’s – Make no mistake, Boyd’s battlion has been fiercely sharpening their horns this summer in hopes of taking the CIS cross country scene by storm. “Absolutely, we lost some solid runners last year,” coach Boyd commented, “But it’s nothing I can’t handle. When most of these boys come to me, they’re look more like wads of cookie dough than high-level endurance athletes. Two weeks into my program and their bodies are carved from wood.” No more is this true than with last year’s breakout star, Jeff Archer, who could very well end up in the individual medals this year. Suffice to say, he, McGraw, Patterson, Cashin, and Loney  are coming back bigger and badder than last year, and who knows what other cards Boyd is holding close to his chest. “I have a cornucopia of talent at my disposal. I have almost as many talented runners as I have capillary beds. And trust me, that’s a lot!”

3. Victoria – The Vikes are the west coast equivalent of the Guelph Gryphons, and they’re getting more and more like their east coast counterparts. They’re so good in fact, that they can’t even bother to use a full name for their school mascot. They’re getting so good that most of their team signs up while failing to notice the final “0” in the race distance listing. Haight is a distance demi-god and Cassidy is showing shades of his fictional counterpart, especially coming off his Jr Nats win last year. Hulse was claimed in free agency to fill the void left by Vike vet Childs, but later admitted he might have been a little hasty to leave Queen’s so quickly. “I’ve made a terrible mistake,” he elaborates. “He’s damn right he did!!” confirms Boyd. They should be in the hunt of a medal come November.

4. Laval – Another foreign (to Ontarians) team. These guys have serious momentum at their backs and it’s not the kind that comes from eating too much poutine. We asked standout Charles Philibert-Thiboutot, or “Chuck PT” as we’ve been told to call him, the secret to their success. “Usual Quebec things,” he said in a very thick, Jean Chrétien-inspired accent. “Maple syrup, separatism, and a ‘I’m better than you’ attitude.” Historically however, Frenchies have tended to fizzle as the season draws to a close, right when the other teams are ramping up. “At least we didn’t crash as badly as the Leafs did last year,” Chuck shoots back. Their other runners aren’t shabby either, notably Lapointe and Boisvert, and rooké Labranche has shown early promise as a potential scorer.

5. Windsor – Ouch. While the drop may seem a bit harsh, the losses of scorers de Groot, Aguanno, and Berkis justify the decision. True enough, Walters and Janikowski are serious contenders for medals at the individual level. But the rest of the nation’s elite have bridged the gap, leaving the once mighty Lancers looking more like the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail. Indeed a recruiting class including Pitcariu, Bellemore, Master, and Cooper looks promising for the future but first-year athletes being as chronically unreliable as they are can’t be relied upon to uphold this team’s once high prestige.

6. McMaster – If the nationals course sees a lot of rain this year and becomes water-logged, this team’s rank shoots up to #2 (still after Guelph of course). We bet that made coach Sneyd reconsider ever introducing his athletes to the idea of cross-training regime. Windsor standout of two years back Sanders and top recruit Darlington lead an already respectable team of triathlon studs including Reid and Morgan all of whom are looking to do some damage on the cross country front. Walsh is back and looking to contribute to this year's team, especially with regards to deciding their post-CIS attire. With the loss of Yorke, the addition of a burly grad student could be just what this team needs to put them into medal contention.

7. Western – Last year’s lackluster performance didn’t discourage the hosting Mustangs, and in fact, may have innervated them. “I’m in a bit of a dilemma,” commented coach Vigars. “We usually almost always peak for Mustang Invite, but since we’re hosting this year, our training schedule isn’t as clear cut.” The losses of O’Neill, Smith (graduated), and Andrin (injured.. surprise, surprise) hurt, but the return of the infamous 2:36 high school marathoner, Dill, and the incoming of former OFSAA champion Sayers will partially fill the void. Armstrong and Co. will have their work cut out for them if they wish to wow the hometown crowds early November.

8. Regina – Wiebe will not disappoint, unless he decides to not run like last year and/or opt out of Movember. Teammates Fyfe and Johnson will try to help carry this team as far as they can. It’s too bad the scores aren’t tabulated based on three runners’ places, or even one for that matter.